I've done Yoga once since my last post - and it was really difficult for me.
It was a Hatha class at Yoga Tree, and with a same teacher who I've taken a class with before. (Previously the Restorative Yoga class.)
I really like her teaching style, but for some reason the class wasn't working with me. It's nothing to do with her, she's great! It's not even Hatha - because I've always preferred Hatha classes among others (except Hot Yoga. All time fave!). I actually left the class feeling pretty bad, because I was struggling and stumbling, and couldn't wipe the frustrated look and emotion off of my face no matter what I tried.
It's because of my own mind.
I came to the mat feeling very frustrated and imbalanced in every aspect of my life.
Your practice is influenced by your day, your mood, and your state of mind.This couldn't be any more true. I was in such a horrible mood, and even though I wanted to focus on the postures, and flow through them - I couldn't stand up straight; my shoulders were hunched, my eyebrows were tense, my legs were wobbly, light twists hurt my stomach and spine, chair pose made my legs feel like they were going to collapse, even corpse pose and child's pose wasn't working for me! (How can I screw up those last two?! Really...)
I was just completely off in all respects. I layer there in corpse pose and I almost started crying. Actually, full disclosure: I did cry a little bit. Everything felt so off balance, and I hate when I feel like that. I understand that there's an ebb and flow to life, and the worst times are there to make us appreciate the better times - but this was too much for me.
I've been feeling really drained in all aspects of my fitness regime. This is why I was getting back into Yoga - I felt that I needed to focus my mind and body, and get a good stretch and workout in the process. It's a win-win really.
This class taught me that I need to really re-evaluate the aspects of my life that are bothering me. I've become a push-over in some situations that I won't go into detail of on my blog... But I'm learning that instead of sitting and bottling it all up for the sake of saving face, I need to stand up for myself. I'm a person. I'm not a pushover. I'm not someone who can take shovels and shovels of garbage from people, nor is anyone else. We're all just people. No one is any better than anyone else, so for someone to have the misconception that they can treat me a certain way due to their status or whatever beliefs they have in their head is a sad thing. Sad for me - because I have allowed myself to have it impact my health (dear stress levels and anxiety - go away!), and I have allowed it to impact my sense of self. I've put myself down so many times in the past year or so - just when I was starting to build myself up, too. I've allowed myself to be treated as though I'm lower than others just because I was making a change and "starting at the bottom" again. Well, when you start at the bottom and are pushed to stay down at the bottom - something magical happens. You realize that the only place you can go is UP, and you realize that you're worth more than all of the negative that suffocates you.
This class helped me focus on a lot. Maybe I really did need this bad experience to open my eyes to what's around me. I am very grateful right now for what I've learned. That teacher will never know that she played such a pivotal role in my being right now.
